The Good, the Bad and the Smug by Tom Holt

Author:Tom Holt
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fiction / Humorous, Fiction / Fantasy / Contemporary, Fiction / Fantasy / Urban
Publisher: Orbit
Published: 2015-07-27T04:00:00+00:00

Archie wiped blood out of his eyes and propped himself up on one elbow. His head felt like he’d been using it to drive in fence-posts, and his fingers and toes were tingling ominously. “Define bad,” he said.

“Well.” The bald man reached out a hand. Archie shrank away, then realised that the bald man was offering to help him up. “A bad host, for one thing. Can I get you some milk? Pineapple juice? Maybe a couple of croissants.”

Archie was on his feet again. He swayed; balance sold separately. “Have I just been abducted?”

That made the bald man laugh. “If you like,” he said. “Me, I’d call it relocated or maybe added to inventory, but these things are subjective. If you don’t fancy croissants, I can get the lads to run you up a cheese and rocket salad.” Then he frowned. “You’re not going to attack me again, are you? Please don’t. Human bodies can’t take it like goblin bodies can.”

Archie nodded. “Tell you what,” he said. “Let’s pretend I have attacked you, and I’ve smashed you to the floor and jumped on your face a few times, and now I’ve terrified you into telling me exactly what’s going on.”

“Sure,” the bald man said. “What do you want to know?”

“Who are you, where am I, what am I doing here—” The bald man held up his hand. “That sort of thing,” he said. “Yes, why not?” He sat down cross-legged on the floor, took an apple from his pocket, bit off a large chunk, pulled a face, spat it out. “Are you sitting comfortably?” he said. “Then I’ll begin.”

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